Dealing With a Sinning Brother

 by Jeff Himmel
as originally published in Life Lines

   In Matthew 18 Jesus gives step-by-step instructions on what to do when a brother sins. "And if your brother sins, go and reprove him in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. And if he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax-gatherer" (Matthew 18:15-17).

     This passage is frequently cited (and rightly so) when we discuss the matter of congregational discipline. But I'm afraid there's a step in this formula which we tend to overlook. It's step one. Jesus says that when my brother sins, my first duty is to go and reprove him privately. None of the other steps are to be considered until this one has been carried out. There is to be no congregational action until individual efforts have been exhausted.

     Has your brother sinned? If so, then note carefully what Jesus says you should do:

     First, go to him. True, it will not be pleasant. He may refuse to talk about it. He may react badly to what you say. He may get angry or defensive. He may reject you completely. But that's no excuse for not approaching him at all. There's just too much at stake. "If he listens to you, you have won your brother." We should be willing to risk a little discomfort if it may mean regaining a lost soul. "He who turns a sinner from the error of his way will save his soul from death, and will cover a multitude of sins" (James 5:20).

     Second, go to him. Let's face it: when a brother sins (especially against us personally), our first inclination is usually to broadcast it. We call sister Blabbermouth on the phone and tell her all the details. We complain about it at our weekly lunch with brother Gossip. It seemingly never occurs to us to go directly to the source first. But that's precisely what Jesus tells us to do. And the reasons should be obvious. Your brother may be unaware of what he has done. He may be in desperate need of some instruction and encouragement. Or perhaps the whole thing is just a misunderstanding on your part. The only way to know is to talk to him. Talking to everyone else instead will only make things worse.

     Third, go to him privately ("between you and him alone"). That means you don't ambush him in the foyer of the meeting house, where countless others may hear. It means you don't publicly embarrass him with insinuations or accusations. Humiliating him in front of others will do nothing to regain him. Instead, you and your brother sit down face-to-face, one-to-one, and discuss the situation.

     Fourth, go to him lovingly. Our efforts to restore one caught in a trespass are to be "in a spirit of gentleness" (Galatians 6:1). Remember that your purpose is not to punish him or seek revenge. The singular motive is concern for his soul. Make that clear to him. This is not to say that your approach should be timid or uncertain; it takes directness to get through to most people. But we can be firm without being unkind.

     No doubt many an explosive situation could have been defused (and many a wandering soul restored) if one person had simply had enough courage and concern to say, "We need to talk." It is not hard to see the wisdom in Jesus' command on this matter. True, it won't always achieve the desired affect. Further action may be necessary. The brother may never respond. But, as is always the case, if we will do what the Master has said, we may be joyously surprised at the results.